Pet Loss Support in the North Bay

by Peter Alexander

Most of us in our lives, starting often at a young age, experience the loss of a loved pet. Children might lose a pet hamster, fish, or turtle, and many lose a dog or cat. No matter the age, such a loss can be very difficult, so difficult for some that they might even pledge at the time never to own a pet again. There are, of course, support organizations for people who have lost relatives or acquaintances. But are there groups that can help us through our loss of a pet? Fortunately, yes.

A group of our own

Cheri Barton Ross leads a pet loss support organization in Sonoma County: the Pet Loss Support Group, which meets every Tuesday from 7:00-8:15 pm at the Renaissance Lodge Paulin Creek at 2375 Range Avenue in Santa Rosa. The program is open to everyone, regardless of where you live; in fact, people have even traveled from the South Bay to attend. The group was founded 17 years ago out of the loss of Cheri’s pet rabbit. Pet loss support groups back then were a rarity, so the formation of this group broke new ground. The Pet Loss Support Group is sponsored by the Redwood Empire Veterinary Medical Association. (See the sidebar for other support resources.)

Who can attend? Anyone can, whether a pet owner or whether you have lost a pet or not. Cheri advises that the best time to come is before you lose your pet. The benefits are clear: you get to meet people who are at different stages of pet loss, you learn about alternative treatments, long-term care, and euthanasia. You get to share information about yourself and your pet and get support that you need in seeking treatment and making decisions. You may even meet people who have recently gone through pet loss who have come back to lend support to those who are going through loss and to let them know there is hope, that you too can make it.

Hope and healing

Hope plays a role throughout. Our pets, in so many ways, give us hope. Did you have a really crummy day at work? You walk in the door and your dog wags you in, treating you like you walk on water, and is so happy to see you! Ah, hope to go back the next day because someone believes, and persuades you, that you can do anything! Throughout our daily lives our pets are there to support us and give us hope in the worst of times.

The Pet Loss Support Group provides a safe place, as Cheri puts it, to share your loss, and to hope for a path through the pain, possible feelings of guilt, and the difficult decisions yet to be made. As you share with others who have come back to the group, you develop hope that one day you will be able to pass the baton on as they are doing. Others provide hope as well; in fact they form your support team.

Members of your support team, including the support team members, include veterinarians, therapists, trusted family members, including your children, even your other pets. Form this team early, because they will provide you the strength you need for the path ahead.

Oh, c’mon, he’s just a dog!

Sometimes losing a pet can be harder than losing a mother or father. How can that be? Everyone understands that losing a human family member or close friend is hard, and most people validate that without a second thought. You get time off from work, your acquaintances and friends are solicitous, and people respect the space and time you need for grieving such a loss. What happens when you lose a pet?

How much time off will your boss give you when you lose your yellow Lab? How long will people put up with your feelings of grief after you have lost the Persian you rescued 15 years ago, the one that sleeps by your head every night? How many times will you hear, "Oh, Betty, come on already, it’s just a cat for heaven’s sake; get over it and move on!" So, yes, we all need a safe place to get the support we truly need, a place filled with people who validate our loss without a second thought.

Getting over it

Is there such a thing as "getting over it?" I suppose that would be nice, but as Cheri puts it, "There is no getting over it, there is only just getting through it." It may not be easy; in fact, it is not. Lots of things stand in the way, but you can and do get through it. Support groups help with what stands in the way: guilt, regrets, treatment decisions, communicating with others, especially children, and many more.

Guilt is common; most people who have had to make the decision to end a pet’s life either felt they waited too long or did it too soon. Cheri says there is no perfect moment, that you do the best you can with the help of your veterinarian and support group. Deciding to end the life of your pet is unique to animal owners; we are rarely called upon to make such a decision in regard to human family members. Most would probably prefer just to wake up one day and find their pet gone, rather than have to make such a decision. It takes immense courage, but it is a gift to your pet who would ask nothing more of you than that you relieve her of her pain and let her go on.

More than just pet loss

When we see others grieve we are reminded of our own losses, both pet and human. The loss of a pet reminds us of other losses we have had. Joining a group like the Pet Loss Support Group allows you an opportunity to find closure in those other losses as well. We might remember our very first pet loss, for example, of Rocky the Mighty Hamster. We might feel guilty that we did not do as much for Rocky as we could have, or did not spend as much time with him - well, gee, he just ate and ran on his wheel and I got bored! And Mom told me I forgot to feed him.

As parents, how do we communicate about pet loss to a child?

Support groups can provide tools for you to use when speaking to children of various ages, so they get the information they need at the time, and the information they can handle. As children get older, Cheri says, they may come back to their loss seeking information more appropriate to their new age in life. Indeed as we age, we hope to get better at handling loss for ourselves and for the support of others, not just our children.

As you realize it is possible to get through the loss of a creature who has always been there for you, a quiet supporter, a non-judgmental, happy, living-inthe- moment friend, you may be motivated to give such gifts back to others. Groups hold a place for that, encouraging you to be in the group to share what you have been through, what pitfalls you encountered, what worked for you and what did not, and to provide validation and support for those struggling with recent losses.

The "right time"?

"No more pets for me!" is a statement made with absolute conviction upon losing a animal friend. The pain can be so severe that the thought of ever going through it again will cause a person to pledge never to expose themselves again. Many people never do get another pet, but most do. But when is the right time? How do you know you might be ready to start considering it? Such a decision depends on you, your family, possibly your friends. Cheri says you will know you are ready for another pet "when you can remember joy most of the time, the good memories with your pet, and when you wake up and don’t right away remember the pain."